Have you ever bought tickets for something and thought, “I can’t wait to go to this!” Of course you have. We all have. Why buy the tickets if we don’t want to go? But did the day come closer and suddenly the desire to leave the house and do anything is gone? That happened to me this week. I’ve been looking forward to the Grand Rapids Symphony with Leslie Odom, Jr as guest performer for a couple of months. It’s going to be a girls’ night out too, which is always something to look forward to. But as the night came closer, and the venue sent me multiple messages about making sure masks were worn and vaccine cards were present, as we talked about where to eat and how to park downtown on a busy night in Grand Rapids, the shine fell off the evening. It suddenly felt very hard to get everything together for this night.
it’s like depression’s weak cousin stepped in
It’s not like I don’t have the masks available, the vaccine cards at the ready and instant communication with my friends about our plans….you would think that all that would make it super easy, but it’s like depression’s weak cousin stepped in. I’m in the shower, thinking about the logistics and it just feels overwhelming. So many of the DSM-V criteria for depression are there: anhedonia, appetite change and sleep change are permanently onboard with me (thanks perimenopause?), irritability, lack of interest or just feeling hopeless about the evening. Don’t get me wrong, this is a very discrete episode of feeling overwhelmed and depressed about a process, this is nothing like the absolute horribleness that is clinical depression.
To FEEL it ALL the time.
When I get one of these moments though, I try to think about my clients suffering with depression. How heavy must that feel? To feel it all the time. Not for 5 minutes while I self talk myself out of my funk to get moving and dressed for what will be a great night. To FEEL it ALL the time. Next time you flirt with that feeling of not wanting to do something that had been planned, feeling overwhelmed, helpless, hopeless, anxious, panicked….think about the effect of experiencing them all the time. I can feel the impact that the changing hormones in my body are having on me, I’ve the seen the “miracle” that happens when someone with depression gets on the right medication that balances the chemicals in their brains and it’s easy to differentiate between not feeling up to a night that you were excited about a couple of months ago and real depression. Ennui vs serotonin deficiency is a big gap and I feel like too many people don’t understand that or want to understand it. We all come into contact or know someone who is struggling with mental health. I encourage you to reflect on how hard functioning against such powerful chemical messages can be.
